I talked with <L3 today :D She made me want to hug the world. She wished me a happy belated; I was so surprised, last we talked she was mad at me. Well, supremely pissed off and hurt, I'm sure she also felt betrayed and scared and guilty. She might even think she's the reason I had to leave Hometown Too. We had something special, it started at work. She saw me dancing in the lab, and there was no way I was going to miss out on those eyes. Softer than silk and sharper than a cats. I can see her smile so perfect right now, the way we'd laugh leaning into each other, the tickles and eager nervous looks making sure our co-workers wouldn't see. I could not keep my hands off her. Our first kiss was in my uncle's van heading back from work. It's a long drive from Clinic 2. I used the old-reliable high-school tactic and challenged her to Truth or Dare. So I leaned over the highway and met her lips for the first time. I couldn't help myself around her.
I guess my uncle couldn't either.
my gut feels sick. I wish it didn't happen. So here's the scoop, and I'm sorry if it's not smooth. I ended things with <L3 bc I couldn't see us having anything serious last. I met a girl who I thought was the one, and I didn't feel comfortable beginning to get intimate with <L3 bc she has a bf. I wanted to give <A3 everything the right way, so I ended the physical part of my relationship with <L3. Oh God I can't wait until I'm more comfortable opening up. Well, things with <A3 fell through, but she's still on my mind a year later. And I believe I'll run into again unexpectedly someday and it will be a Dream caught forever. Fuck you if you think I'm a crazy romantic. I guess it doesn't help that we're in different states now. ANYWAYS my uncle was getting mad jealous at me, I was just starting to come into my own. He always had all the attention, especially with the women in the clinic. Well, after I tripped I was finally comfortable with who I am, and I'm flirty and confident and fun and charismatic when I'm comfortable. And the ladies noticed. <L3 AND <drC3 liked me, still do despite the craziness. So my uncle started acting different, his tone was brusk when they were around, he wasn't friendly like he always is. I felt like a little kid who disappointed the man he looks up to, so I was timid and I went with it. But that lasted so short. fuck grammarp. Here's the thing about a young man entering his prime and an older man leaving it: There's a lot of ego and tension and stupidity involved. And he started acting different. Especially around <L3 They weren't subtle enough not to let it slip, I always catch on. I had just quit smoking weed. Here's some info for ppl with bipolar, a lot of us subconsciously self-medicate. It takes away the hypomania. It calmed my mind down. So during this time I got off my meds, basically. And the realization hit me like a clawing stab, deeper than the sinking chest, it clutched me in burning fingers. I was frantic. I paced my apartment. I screamed. I know he had sex with her to feel better about himself. And to feel superior, cocky, to feed his ego. To spite me. I felt betrayed. I can't describe fully what I felt. It was a mixed-state. I felt a raging depression. I could have lit myself on fire and jumped a building, sobbing the whole way. not crying, I'm talking about when that hole in your chest hurts so bad your shoulders heave forward to try and fill the vacancy. It racked my chest. It hurt too bad. So I banged my chest. I ripped. I CLENCHED my skin, HARD, and RIPPED. again. and again. I painted my chest red raw and bruise-green. I had to make sure, though. So I asked her if anything happened. and she tore into me, insulted. I would have doubted hard if i wasn't such a prolific bullshitter myself. Yeah, I know how to lie, how to make You feel guilt, shame, stupid and embarrassed. I can belittle you, leave you shaking like an undressed child in the middle of a laughing pointing stadium. Can't pull the tricks on the pros. So when I quit my job of six years a few days later, yelling at my uncle that I DON'T RESPECT YOU ANYMORE, I recognized his faux-surprise oh too well. He couldn't hold my gaze as he lied. I drove off, left him like I did an ex, angry and stupid. Us both.
So the world is a mirror. If I'm hurt I hurt you back. But I'm a Good Boy so I have to convince myself the hurt I'm about to cause is justified. So I came to believe God sent me as his Angel of Judgement, to bare truth to all. So I told his wife of all his indiscretions. The sisters he fucked when he should have been resting for a seminar. The family friend whose daughter my aunt took care of. His ex, who he still very much loves (I saw the photo from his trip to ____, you don't smile like that at faded love). All the ones I knew by name. And how he and our friends would brag about all the women they slept with. I spit on his face, drove away, came back as he looked away and stabbed his back.
He gave me another chance at life, 6 years ago. I was kicked out of ___, kicked out of my house, and my uncle knew what it was like to fail the family, to fuck up, so he took me in and gave me a bed and food and a job. He stood by my side after the shoplifting arrest. The OWI and wrecked car, and the assault/battery/resisting arrest the next time I drank (a year sober, straight to a violent blackout). He covered for me and drunken stupidity. I covered his ass, too. "No, we played video games Auntie, while you were visiting your family. No, I don't think he cheated on you. No, I don't know anything about that." He's my godfather for a reason. I'm middle-named after him, too.
He loves me, still. When I was a baby I didn't sleep easily, I had to be moved. So he would carry me and dance. That's how I fell asleep. I looked up to him so much. He was so fucking cool. He listened to reggae and had long hair. When I was a child he let me shoot spitballs into a lady's big hair :) and stink bombs in the mall lol. I wanted to be just like him. He was perfect.
When I first heard about him cheating I brushed it off. It was like telling me the sky is green. It's soooo obviously not. Well, one day I looked up and saw emerald. Dazzingly obvious. I was sick. I didn't think he could do something so wrong. But he's perfect, so for me to stick to this reality I had to convince myself cheating is what all men do. Turns out I'm not half-wrong. So I adopted the player role, and told him about the girls, or at least hinted at it. He did, too. I was so fucking cool.
Then I woke up one day and realized I was selfish. That lying really is bad. Like, for real. I came clean to my gf, broke her heart, and started to heal mine. And I judged him. I blamed him for all the things I did wrong. I almost killed their marriage. And here's the kicker. Everyone thought I was on drugs. And their marriage was saved bc of it. "Oh, he was high, poor foolish guy. Pity pity pity him."
Here's one thing about Mania: I'm right. I feel thoughts when I'm like that. I can sometimes hear them. I feel what you feel. And the whole world is conspiring to hide their own craziness by pointing at me. I've never been so lucid. And it's scary, to see just how FUCKED up the ones you love are. Heros fall. My old man became a child right before my eyes. He called my crazy, even though I was opening up to him like never before. I was going to tell him all the things I was too shy to as a teenager. He threatened to Baker Act me, and I LAUGHED!! HAH! It was great! I can dupe a shrink easier than I can bust a nut. So he said he'd pay the judge to keep me locked up. I had music playing, and I swear God told me in songs to not hold back, to cut him down, to hurt my Dad. So I did. I undressed him and belittled him and made him feel fat ugly and stupid and lazy. I didn't want to Dad. I swear on my life God told me so. I cried. I felt like dying as I wrote it. But God told me so, through art. and after i spit shit at my father, God told me Enough, and to be nice. So I tried. I did the best I could. I thought you were going to kill yourself Dad. I could feel your thoughts, and God showed me how to save your life. You would be so scared for me that you would find reason to live, to make sure I would get better. Everything happens for a reason. And I am but an instrument. It doesn't mean I didn't suffer the task. The next day they came for me. I called the Bacon Bit SOBs, or something to that effect. poor police, they were only doing their job. Until they got me as I stepped out. Guns pointed at me. DON'T MOVE! you bet your ass I moved, I lunged towards the door to lock it, so that they couldn't go in without a warrant or some crazy shit. assholes didn't even see I was growing mushrooms. They took my cat though, those fucks. Yeah, they were just doing their job. But then I was in cuffs after the knee pressing my calm face to the ground, and they stood in a circle beside me to talk shit about me. But I know a thing or two about human nature, and I knew these poor lost fucks wouldn't talk shit with me right there with them. I dragged my ass to their circle, sat amongst them in silence, and all their jokes QUIT. Just like that. I shamed them with my presence, and shamed they shut the fuck up. Still in cuffs and now on the first floor of the apartment building a beautiful blonde neighbor walked by. I called her a bitch for not telling me her name. "I'm BRILLIANT!!!" I yelled to her. I was nice to the rest of the officers left, they weren't being inconsiderate to me so we joked and even laughed. Then the van came, and in I went. The walls were moving, man. The world was in HD, and I saw it so clearly: I am Jesus Christ come back, ANGRY at man's waste of my sacrifice, come to wreak holy vengeance on the world. Not with guns or anything like that. I mean just sticking it to the man by being brutally honest and calling people on all their shit. Man I was out there. The walls were still moving in the waiting cell at the hospital. I could tell the officers behind me thought I was tripping, so I said "I'm not tripping." I continued to stare at the masses of people/armies forming on the wall, and I could still tell they thought I was high so I repeated myself. Officer was freaked, said something about how this was going to be a very interesting night. Ima skip the interactions with the police, most of whom were cool, for tonight. In the psychiatric wing there was a young man screaming about hell and how They were trying to read his mind. So I sent him my thoughts telepathically "It's ok, I'm here for you, everything will be ok." blablabla so the next day I meet my roommate, who looks like Charlie and reads about quantum physics, and told him how when I left I would walk miles in flippy floppies in 30-40 degree weather instead of taking a taxi. He said that sounded crazy. What he didn't know was that I was on some Jesus shit and God would give me everything I needed to make it back safe. Joke's on you Charlie's Twin! So we had a group meeting, and since it was lent I had given up technology, including chairs, so I sat on the floor in hospital garments (which made me look like Jesus, very appropriate I must say) and made the lady feel very uncomfortable. Then it was time for me to meet with the shrink. I was polite and sat on the floor. He asked me why my Dad had me committed, so I told him it was bc my Dad mistook my art (maniacally posted on facebook, some crazy poems and scary shit) for reality, and that I'm really quite ok and normal. Of course I could tell he was conspiring to keep me there for another 3 days, so I let his ego convince him to let me leave that same day.
They even got me a taxi.