And it's rough going about it in a new way. I'm supposed to change how I've done relationships in the past, break free of old 'addict thinking habits', meaning I can't be cocky player don't give a fuck guy anymore. So I've gotta be ME, and I am not always comfortable in my skin. I feel awkward taking things slow. I don't know how to be intimate without having sex first. It's scary. Sex is so safe, after the act I know I've been accepted, and there's comfort after coming. I don't think I've had to wait past the second date to get it in. But that can't be a good idea for most people new to sobriety.... I'm still sensitive, minor things still hurt, even if I know it's not a big deal. I'm sure she feels the same way. We started talking, hung out for her b-day, texted a little bit... but fuck after I left the sober house I had 86 cents in my account, and I wasn't about to go home to live with my parents. Fuck that (no offense folks). So I chose to stay in _____ and live in a homeless shelter while a saved my bucks. How in the damn world am I going to reach out to a pretty girl who lives in a nice house, drives a nice car, has a lot of friends WHILE I'M HOMELESS. Even Aladdin couldn't pull that off. "I can show you the wor-uhhhh.... shelter" So I lost touch, and didn't reach out.
I'm living in a nice house now. And I saw her one night. She asked me to call her, so I did... almost a week later.... no reply. so I texted... and she was short but at least she responded. we talked for a short minute or two, texted, and i asked if she wanted to meet for coffee. well, I kinda assumed she wanted to so I told her to tell me when she was free to do that.... and I didn't hear back from her for a few days. I felt so stupid. I kept second-guessing everything i texted and said, replayed it over and over. I was shocked, like 'who is she not to get back to me? i'm king shit king kong/denzel washington over here'. but mainly I was hurt. I felt little, embarrassed, I felt like that shy highschool kid I thought I left behind. Well I saw her again, and she gave a big hug. And when we said bye she gave me a little short hug. like a small pistol. She said she'd let me know when she has time. She works and volunteers with wolves and foxes (I dig it). So I didn't hear back for a week or two, and went to a meeting hoping i'd see her there. I was sad when i didn't.... and then I felt a poke and it was her! and I was happy :) but then I didn't talk to her or make an attempt to the rest of the night..... even though I walked and stood right by her to get coffee.... BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO INTERRUPT! And I still felt shy... and awkward and anxious. I was hoping she'd stay for the music and dancing. I'm a free bird on the dancefloor. I'm talking paradise. And she got up and left, i thought to smoke.... walked right by me like I did her. not even a short hug. bah humbug. I texted her, and she was like 'ya I had to scoot out! :) ' and i wished her luck on her meeting and that I knew she'd do great. But fuck she knew that already, I think I came off as patronizing. fuck it I had good intentions. and then I said something like 'i know ur busy bit i'd love to hang out or just talk sometime' and left it open for response. and nothing. and here I am, thinking ima see her again tonight. I'm not good skirting around issues and feelings. I hope if I see her I'll be upfront, tell her I like her, am not ready or looking for a relationship, but I'd love to be friends and get to know each other more. I can't be myself with things hanging over my head, it weighs me down like a frown on my shoulders and brow. Regardless of what she says I know I'll be back to normal once it's off my chest. I love it ;)