I digress

Girls, man. I've been trying to keep in touch w <C3 but she's being all dismissive. Wouldn't text back and talk about a documentary we were both gonna watch, and I'm just tryna kick it. Yeah, you're cute talented smart and so damned beautiful, but it's not like I'm chasing you to get it in. I mean, yeah that'd be nice thing to happen, but it's whatever. I actually want to talk about the universe and shit. The documentary is Magical Egypt. oh shit she just texted back.

Well I'm in a way better mood than I was all day! holy shit, girls I love em like life and cakes and muffins and puppies and sex. I'm all goofy ass smiles right now. :@)

But yeah, I don't dig it when ppl think I'm only after the booty, I like to listen, learn about people, get deeper.

So I had a shitty-feeling day, not shitty, just shitty-feeling. There was a dull lethargy about me, which was momentarily countered by reading and a nap.

Here's a little known fact about me: I've got intense abandonment issues. My biological father split when I was 1, my Mom dipped to go find him, and I lived with my grandma and aunt for a year or so. My first days of school until 1st or 2nd grade I bawled when I was dropped off. I hated it, I was scared and shy and little. If I ever got 'lost' (meaning couldn't see my parents within a few yards of me) I would become crying lost kid. I remember being at the zoo and thinking "why did they leave me behind?" That type of mindset still persists, but I'm getting better at coping. It's the hardest nowadays when I'm beginning to trust someone. It fucks with me when I'm waiting on a text. I think it's karma come back to haunt me. With my former girlfriends I would purposely make them wait on me. I would make sure to make the waiting times as random as possible so they had no clue what to expect, when I would get back to them. I made girls wonder 'what's wrong with me?', made them feel unwanted. I would shower them with affection attention and all my love. And then I'd turn stone-cold. In an instant I'd cast away my smile and wear disgust on my face. I would make them so jealous. I wouldn't go out of my way to notice another pretty girl, that was too obvious. I would just pretend like I tried to not notice them and failed. That way no one could tell it was a deliberate attempt to fuck with their heads. Here's how skeevy I was: right after breaking up w my gf, I heard Bad Romance for the first time. I knew it would be a hit, so I told her it reminded me of her. I knew it would not stop playing, and she'd hear it on the radio and on TV alllll the time. Months later she told me she thinks of me when she hears it. I know for a fact, 5+ years later, she still does. I pulled a lot of bullshit like that in those days. She was the first girl I ever cheated on, 5+ years ago. We got back together (again) about a year ago, and she was the one I came clean to earlier this year. She broke up with me, and then tried to make it work but I wasn't having it. See how fucked up I was?? I was never good at ending relationships. On some deeper level I always felt I never deserved to be with anyone, so instead of ending things myself (which I was scared/too cowardly to do) I would act like an ass, until they broke up with me. And I would always get the relationship back on, by reminding them of all the good times. It was safer for me. I would feel worthless if someone broke up with me, so instead of waiting for them to realize what a piece of shit I was I MADe them realize it. I think I'm still trying to understand how I acted. I know it wasn't the right way to treat a woman.

We talked. A few weeks ago. She rebounded and was gonna move to California with some dude she just met. Turns out he lied to her about a ton of stuff. So she rebounded with some other dude, who by his facebook photo looks like a really really nice chump. nice guy, just chumpy dumpy. I wouldn't feel bad pushing him off a wall. jk. Well, she's pregnant now, is engaged, and I think she still knows I love her. I made her doubt. <D3 , you were my first. I miss talking, and you falling asleep on the phone as I talked. 10 hours, still a record for me ;)