I'm back home for a week, laudy daudy for xmas. I made a retreat to my room already, headphones on to block the Noise. I felt anxiety and anger coming along. I asked my mom if she needed help, she did and I cut some green beans and helped her organize her receipts. I felt angry. I'm not completely sure why. I feel stupid. My sister just texted me for xmas shopping tomorrow, I feel better. After I finished helping w the receipts I went to my room to pray/meditate and calm me down. It helps me. My mom called me back out and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with them. "No" is what I said. I wasn't cold, but I was flat, maybe a lil rough. No, mainly I just wanted to be alone with my feelings. My mom just asked again why don't I come out and be w her and dad. I said I would in a bit.
But fuck. I don't want to show them when I feel Up and Down. But I want them to know what I go through. I'd rather puke than accept pity, but I want them to have sympathy with when I feel crazy. I want to be myself around my fam, the way I am on paper, or when I'm alone, or how I was when I'd be high and comfortable, but they judge. I hear the news on, it's almost always Fox, and it's almost always some negative shit. And then I hear opinions being blurted out, biased and one-sided. btw, all mass media is biased, I just think Fox more aggressively caters to its audience. Guess I judge, too. A movie will be good. I'll just go and do my own thing if opinions get thrown about and I feel I might add fuel to the fire. I'll let that shit simmer on it's own.