been a bit since I journaled

It's been a while since I've journaled. I'm down to do so while watching Lords of Dogtown w the roomies. It's pretty sick how they decided to use a pool for skating. They busted their asses the first round, but that's how learning goes. It's incredible what a new medium can do for anything.

I miss women. it's been 10 months since I've had sex, it's a long time lol. I miss the flirting, dates, kissing, all that good stuff. We went to b-dubs, and our waiter was too cute. Pretty cuban girl named Beatriz. Couldn't get her number, though. Well I could have, but being carless really implements my options.... or so I think. I mean, I can't pick her up on a bicycle.... lol. And I'm not about to ask for a ride, it just doesn't feel right. The way I see it is I'm not ready for a relationship, that all my life events led me to this point for a purpose, and if I am ready for a relationship it'll be w someone who gets where I am right now, and knows that it's temporary. Someone who believes in me, how beautiful would that be? Someone who genuinely doesn't care that I can't buy her the things I'd like, or take her the places she'd love to go, pay for dinner and movies frequently. Someone who sees my potential, and appreciates who I am and what I do. I had those things, but at a time when I wasn't happy with myself, when I was living a lie putting all my effort into being something, someone, I'm not. Those were my happiest moments, though, lost in Brook's arms, her in mine, watching Netflix, cuddling eating icecream, the cous cous. Or with Denise, even when we were hours apart, the hours we'd talk on the phone, every day until we didn't. Kirsten and I never dated, but we're close friends, we'd hang out, watch Netflix, too, sometimes (not as much as w Brook), playing Bloons and thinking out loud. At the end of the day we'd cuddle, and have sex far more often than not. It wasn't romantic, and we weren't ever like that, but we were friends who had sex, sometimes. I needed it, the sex, the attention, just like I needed drugs and alcohol. I could escape from my guilt, my unearthed sadness, my feelings of inadequacy; I no longer felt small, those moments. I felt loved. I was loved.

Nowadays I don't need that closeness as much as before, not in the same way. Before it was an escape. Now? I don't know what it would be. A chance to really know someone intimately before sex, to risk being vulnerable before I'm physically accepted, a chance to share, and learn, and listen. I want to be there for someone, instead of having someone to be there for me.

It's tougher to write when I'm not by myself, when there's not silence. I'm more easily distracted by the TV, Jackie Robinson is on. Harrison Ford told him to scare the pitchers. I wanted to watch the end of Lords of Dogtown, and that's not even happening now lol. I wasn't paying much attention while I was writing anyways. Lesson learned: Just journal in the bedroom, get better in touch w myself, and not get distracted when Jackie Robinson hits a home run to an uplifting score of music.