New Year

To journal an hour a day. It's 1:30 am and I still consider it to be the first.

I wonder if I'll slip up and miss a day. I read a quote from Will Smith today: "Where I excel is ridiculous, sickening, work ethic. You know, while the other guy is sleeping, I'm working. While the other guys' eating, I'm working." Surely I can stay awake an extra hour if The Fresh Prince can do it.

I started off today like I always do, and added something to the routine: I cleaned my room. When things look nice and orderly I'm more likely to act in an organized orderly fashion. I didn't really want to, though. But this is the cool part, I've learned by now that once I start I dig it, the hardest part is all those torturous moments leading up to me picking up the first out-of-place thing. I've tried a lot of ways to get over that slumpy hump, like "just don't think about it, just Do It!" I don't know how effective that is. But what worked for me today is knowing I'd be happy if I did it :) Oh! I had another motivating factor. I saw this cute girl and got her number last night. I was going to make plans to hang out today. Here's the thing, though. Sometimes I feel super confident, don't think AT ALL and let the words flow out of me in exuberance. Women love that, they dig me when I'm free and not giving a damn. Other times..... I get anxious, and I magnify every word, and I replay pre-constructed sentences before rehearsing them back. This is not as popular to ladies when I call em. I didn't want the anxious me to do the talking today. So I decided to build up my self-esteem and do what I know I'm supposed to do, which today was tidy up my room. Once I started I couldn't stop when I saw the dishwasher needed to be filled and started up. And when I saw the bathroom trashcan was full I changed that, too, instead of putting it off and 'letting' someone else do it. I took out other trash, and emptied the ashtrays outside. I was on a roll! :) lol. I was riding a good vibe, a productive one, and when I was done I called her and I left a vm. I felt more excited than anxious, woo! She's leaving for town (was here to see the fam) but will be letting me know she's back to visit. She did rehab same place I did, but earlier. I met her bowling with AA friends. It was one of those Up days, and I was dancing and laughing and not thinking but BEING! And now that I think about it, that day I made sure I handled all my shit, got in a great workout, and felt FREE. Like a kite. Freed from years of slavery. From the hands of greedy children who don't share with the needy and kick dogs. The kind of kite that flies at night in a storm and cuts the wet black with diamond edges, slitting it like a ripped curtain, smiling sunlight shining through in dancing waves and warmth like hugs. Even the things that might have embarrassed me I shrugged off with a smile and laugh. It was a beautiful night bowling.

I miss women. When I try and attract women, though, things don't go as smooth, and I care too much. I love it when I don't care and just do me. bc when I stop giving a fuck I could give a damn what anyone things. And what does that give me? a free ticket to do as I please. 

My best friend texted me today, asking if I had fun last night. Told her I did, my RAW roomies convinced my sick ass to get up and head to the party, where I danced and got I number. I told her this immediately, and asked how her night went. No response. Word? I was your first kiss, we've been friends for at least 10 years, and you won't continue the convo you started? We're growing apart. I'm on a self-improvement recovery type of road, and she's not. She's getting her grind on for sure, mad props for the soon-to-be vet and Duke alumni. She's handling the shit she needs to, it's just different from what I'm working on. So we can't relate as much. And she doesn't treat me with the respect I treat her with. You know, I never expected her to, but she never apologized for telling me she feels sorry for me. I don't think she's sorry about that. It must be weird, feeling that way for me, but also melting in my arms when we dance. Sometimes I'm just damn irresistible. I love it when girls go out of their way to rub their ____ on my thigh when we dance close. Anyways. ha. Oh god I'm dancing to funky catchy mexican music and it's the jam. So about homegirl. I'll be there when she needs me. But I'm not going to feel obligated to call her just to communicate in some way when I don't have anything to say. That feels so disingenuous to me. It feels like etiquette. Shouldn't I WANT to text/call bc I WANT to, instead of bc I feel like I should, as a pleasantry or formality. That's very un-Tao-like. I feel funny in my tummy writing this. hmmmm, cognitive dissonance perhaps? This is what I'll do: I'll call her when I feel its right, and with no intent but to really see how she's doing. Not in a worried checking up on you kind of way, which I've been getting from some old friends, but to really see how she's doing. It's hard, though, when peeps play games. It's annoying, especially after knowing each other for so long. I did this to her, too, and I apologized for my role in it and told her I felt our friendship was wavering, and that she means the world to me and I never want to lose her. I let her know I love her and that I'm sorry for all the mean things I said to her when I was manic. She doesn't see her own role in it though. It's true what they say in recovery, whenever there's a resentment there's two ppl to blame, me and the other. All I can do is take care of my side of the street. I'm not resentful since I've done that. I do feel a little let down though, but that's ok and normal. I wish she could see, though. She told me of her boss, and how she's really annoyed with him for blaming others and not recognizing his role in things. The reason it upsets her so much is because she does that too... and like attracts like.... which is why he ended up being her boss.

That's how the world works. When all I cared about was buying fancy clothes and looking the part of Flashy Player Guy those are the type of ppl I hung out with. When I was manipulative and judgemental I made friends with ppl who manipulated and judged me. My first sponsor had a huge ego being spiritual, and was a pity-partyer. turns out I was, too. My next sponsor is a great guy, too; he was also the type of guy who agrees with everyone so that he'll be liked. I was like that, too. Next up was an older man, very kind and very compassionate. He had an ego about thinking he's smarter than everyone else, and not to upset people by giving them the honest blunt truth, favoring kindliness than realness. I, too, was like this. Then my fourth sponsor was a very learned man, another old fellow and old timer, wise man, close to God. The more I got to know him, the more I saw that he was very judgemental. Surprise! Me too! I chose him as a sponsor bc he doesn't care what ppl think. I dig that. I'm currently sponsorless, btw. I do, however, believe in synchronicity, that the universe sends me signs to keep me on track. I listen. And so far it's been a beautiful thing.

I still like her, in a way, my best friend. I spent a gooooood portion of time fantasizing about her today. I'm very sexually attracted to her, it turns out. I'm also attracted to her for who she is. Lately the sex has been on my mind more, though. We never had sex. We've fooled around and had fun. Today, though, I couldn't stop thinking about tying her hands and feet to bed posts, blindfolding her, and surprising her with every touch, some deft, light, and tracing, others deep, leaving marks, some quick and some long. I thought about how I would tease her, bring her to the edge, and make her hold it while I slowed down. About a toy, vibrating right where it feels the best until she couldn't bear the pleasure any more, and how I'd put something in her mouth so she couldn't ask me to stop giving her bliss. How I'd slide two in, curl up and press her on that spot, feeling her body tense, her sharp gasps, telling her to breathe deep as I press harder, feeling her tighten on me and making her "Stop" and "Wait" as I slid out and pushed her lower stomach down before thrusting back in, harder, faster, whispering "shhh" before biting her ear, and as she squeezes on me, out of control, I tell her, stern, "Cum."

It wasn't a bad way to start a fantasy off, maybe I'll show her the rest of what went on in this crazy head of mine one day.