I still have feelings for you

Fourth steps are hard. It's embarrassing. I haven't even gotten to the deep resentments, the ones that molded my life and greatly affected my well-being. I felt foolish looking at the same behaviors I was condemning and looking down upon coming from me. I shouldn't be condemning or looking down on anyone or anything.

I met a girl in rehab. I remember being by the smoke pit w everyone and she was telling me about her thesis. She's a psych major, how sexy is that? Her thesis was on sex. I forget the exact hypothesis proposed, but I think it had to do with difference in stated and actual sexual preferences between men and women. We were having an actual intellectual conversation, and I was about to tell her what I learned about bonobos sexual patterns the implications that has for how we view sexual relationships in people. But we couldn't get the convo going, all the guys kept butting in and making stupid jokes to get her attention. We shared a look, a "God, I wish we could just TALK and not have to deal with this" look. I tried to get us talking, but it was weird. I REALLY wanted to have sex with her. But I REALLY wanted to get to know her, too. And I take my recovery seriously, and I knew that sex was a no-no, so I was trying to get to know her and ignore the sexual feelings. I'm used to getting the sex first. I'm not used to building intimacy without having sex first. So it was really weird. And all the times I felt like myself and ready to talk and be real, she would leave, or feel awkward. And every time she was comfortable, I felt so damned awkward and anxious, I felt little and back in high school. I tried all these new things, like telling her how I felt (kinda). I told her, well I left her a vm telling her I'm attracted to her, but I'm about my recovery, and don't want there to be any tension between us. And I saw her walking, and she gave me a hug and so much of my present anxiety went away. And I tried to get a chance for us to talk, but she would back out and shy away from that despite initial eagerness. Why was that sentence so fucking formal? I just wanted her to know who I am, and get to know her, and talk intelligently about actual THINGS and to enjoy each other's thoughts and thinking. Man, I picked her out the second I knew she was smart. I had an urge to call her impulsively right now... can't be doing that when I'm all hypomanicky. I asked if she was a smarty pants, knowing she'd love it (bc I'd love it too), and we sat down and she helped me with my hw, which was a list and I got to tell her about me. I told her how I felt sometimes, and I saw a connection, I saw how she looked at me, the way she licked her lips. At this point I'm still not over Dawn, God I miss her, too, so I wasn't eager for sex. But I wanted her to like me, and I knew she would. I don't know, I never doubted. She's so beautiful. Her effigy is carved on countless priceless ornaments shields and statues, Athena with a brighter smile. We walked up to our rooms, and she gave me a hug (I didn't go for it, she started the hug) and offered me her number without me asking. I know when a girl likes me, and there was NO DOUBT, God I wasn't ready for her. I'm still not, I'd melt. My new addiction, I miss her. She looked like a Star in pink, blooming sun, and she stood close to me for a hug to make up for the games she was playing, and my hurt selfish sullen ass turned my back on her and left her standing alone and hurt and glowing. This was post-rehab in IOP. IOP was hell and heaven. We shared songs, I caught her eye, she'll never forget. One of the last songs shared by a group member was about letting go, we looked at each other with tears in our eyes. It was undeniable. I rode my bike to tell her how I felt, and what did I say? I threw a damn pity party, woe is me, poor me feel bad for me and take care of hurt sorry me. She saw me at my weakest. But she also knew without a doubt that I felt for her. And I thought she'd be more open, more real, more honest. Instead, she played games, did and said things to make me jealous. I read her, felt her like braille on my lips and knew what she was up to. So I send her a text saying I want to talk about something that was bothering me. But I didn't communicate well, I was too fucking direct, and I cut her ass down. I called her out on all her bullshit, how I knew she made me wait on purpose, knew she was toying with me, knew she was trying to make me jealous, and this poor girl didn't know how to respond. She got formal with me, very precise language about how she didn't share feelings with me, and I'll never forget this, I told her she was speaking to a man with No Doubt. You can't fake the certainty I threw in her face. And then I mocked her for not being able to come up w any response. I handled it all wrong, just anger and this sick beautiful rush at cutting through her defenses, I felt like God, knowing everything she was doing. I felt so powerful. She felt the opposite. I told her I knew her feelings for me since the beginning. All her tricks didn't work. I know em too well. For her to ever be with me would mean to accept vulnerability, to trust me not to make her feel that way again, not to hurt her. Her shields meant nothing to me. I blazed. It turned her on. Scared her. Excited her. and pushed her away. At IOP she indirectly made it known I scared her, and I didn't give one damn, I know a cry story when I hear one, too. Pity parties don't work on me anymore, not since I got over mine. So I didn't care, and played it cold, distant. As the days went by I started to gain perspective on the situation. I went to meetings, and it was surreal how closely what people shared had to do with what happened. I saw I was wrong, and that I really did scare her, and surely triggered her, too. I apologized for it all, at the end of a meeting. As soon as I hit send the entire place applauded. Perfect timing. She said Thank You. Things still didn't progress. She was hooking up w someone, someone not really for her, and with someone else, too. Also not for her. When she flirted heavily and gave them extra attention it didn't bother me. I knew it was for me, to get me feeling a certain way, so I wasn't hurt. But when I realized something did happen, it hurt. It hurt bad. I tried so hard to keep calm, sitting straight and breathing deep, self-affirmative thoughts. Tears fell in silence, and I couldn't help it. I got up ad saw a look of satisfaction on her face. She thinks it was from the flirting. God we're such kids. I went to the bathroom and tried to breathe. I sunk into myself, and sobbed as quietly as I could. Yes, sob. It wasn't a normal cry, it fucking hurt. Racked. After a bit a washed my hands with cold water, it felt like God soothing me. I stepped out and felt alive. I saw a familiar face, perhaps a Theresa? and smiled wide and bright and stepped back in the room, almost back to normal. A little bit more and I was loose again. Oooooh it felt so good. There were moments of extreme not giving a care to anyone, just being. I did it for her, in a way. Her trying to get my attention, my hypomanic hippie self dancing to sweet tunes aware but oblivious. I miss our hugs. Our best hug was my last day at rehab. At the clap out we give hugs to all. I got to her. She tried to hug me like a friend. I shook my head No, and told her to give me a real hug. I felt her whole body on mine. None of that shoulder to shoulder business. No, we felt. It was like we were one, for an instant. I think it was me that let go. She looked at me and smiled, and politely said to keep in touch. I looked at her eyes and earnestly said Goodbye. I meant it. She was hurt. After I saw she was sad. We hugged again and I told her I'd miss her. Then we sat next to each other and looked at cute pictures of animals on our cells. We were cute. I was happy. I told her I was coming back for IOP and sober living. She wasn't sure if she was going to stay or not. I made sure I came back. I don't think I would have come back if there wasn't a chance of her staying. I wouldn't have. She's the reason I'm still here. The first time we saw each other when I was back she picked me up, and it was semi-awkward, but not bad. We were reserved. IOP came next. my thoughts jump. I'll get better.

After our falling out and my angry words things were off, and one day she was at my home group, even though she never goes to that meeting. I was sooo cheesy. Could not stop smiling. I still didn't reach out though. She probably thinks I backed out, that I quit. Nah. I don't quit. I'm just not going after someone who doesn't treat me with respect. Months later I see her occasionally, and it's nice and I'm anxious sometimes but other times I'm a magnet. And that's where we are. Oh, it was her b-day a month ago. I bought her a book about the evolution of sex, bc of her thesis. Apparently she was put off by the gift, she was probably expecting the type of gift a guy would buy for his crush. I did buy her a beautiful card, simply writ "Love You, _____." I don't think she's read it. But if she gave it a chance, even just the first chapter, a real chance.... She would love it. No Doubt.

I dream about her sometimes. I just thought of seeing her with someone else and it hit me below my throat. That knot is there. It's wrapped around the lump, strangling it. If she was really happy that would be beautiful. And I would be happy and hurt and disillusioned and broken. I would not want to be anywhere near them. But I would smile, and do my best not to be a dick and show-up or belittle him. In one dream we hugged on a cloud of flowers and rolled smiling before we kissed. Bliss on my lips, sweet relief breathing from my shoulders.

Karma's a bitch. When I was getting to know her in rehab, I noticed and judged everything she did. She did the same. That's what I get.

I think we're as similar as we are different.

She's rich. I spent three months in a homeless shelter and work a tad bit over minimum wage. lol.

She drives an Audi. It's hers. I ride a bike. It's really my bosses. giggles.

She's the type of rose the sun would give the moon. I'm the type of guy who thinks of her like this.

She's so goofy sometimes. Like, straight wacky. Silly nilly. I love it. Even her weird voice. Her troll voice freaked me out just a little. Whatever. 

I'm dippin.

She's a princess. God I love her.