My best friend let me go today. Not to leave me, but to let me strike out on my own and learn and grow and see what i'm capable of doing myself. i felt it coming, but didn't believe it consciously, i brushed it off and laughed. But i knew when it happened it was always going to happen. i was nervous. i felt like i was walking around without a shoulder to lean on. A crab without his shell. i had no shade, and i didn't know if the day was going to be hot or not. i was nervous, excited, i felt a rush of confidence. i was scared, too. i feel alone, even though i was just laughing with my roommates. They're playing pool, joking and yelling having fun. i feel alone. i always asked for help, because ii needed it. My friend was my mentor, teacher, confidant, sponsor, support, protector, savior. And she trusts me to handle things on my own. i got a AA sponsor today. i was also more flirty at work. i didn't worry as much about if i would do or say the wrong thing. i was more free not checking every thought and action w her. i was vibin There's this silence I'm not used to. It's like seeing trees sway, but not feel the breeze. i am in control, now, of myself, my actions, my thoughts. I'm free, in a way, to risk more.
The day i met her the first words she said to me were "It's OK, it's OK." She told me today is a brand new day. She told me i could have the happiness i always wanted, but i haven't worked for it yet. She held me when i was on the floor crying. She sang me all the right songs. She comforted me until i had the strength to believe in myself.
My sister just called, distraught over corruption within her sorority over their philanthropic efforts with autism awareness. She felt conflicted about being a part of something with great people that has also done dishonest things. She cares about the world, about honesty. She's so beautiful. I'm proud of her. i told her my views on institutions and how they affect the individual, but didn't tell her what to do or what she should do. i just told her that she has to decide for herself what her morals are, and make her choices appropriately, that she can learn from any decision whether right or wrong, and that i would always support her no matter what she does. i trust her to do what she thinks is best, and am proud that she cares so much. i don't know if i would have cared so much at her age in that same situation. She's like a halo. 0:)
We have a great relationship, she trusts me with personal things. i never judge her, and she never judges me. She's always seen the best in me, even when I've been at my worst.
My friend called before my sis. A few times. It was a collect call and i couldn't answer bc each time i pressed 1 the call died. She's in jail, i hope she's doing ok and just wanted to talk. i prayed for her not to be scared. i have no clue if she is or not. i can't predict anyone, much less her. i just hope she's not sad, worried, or scared. i just want her to be safe, and to learn from her experience.
If i went to jail instead of rehab i might have lost my mind. i needed all the comfort and patience of a top quality rehab and the best sober condo i could find. i needed the space to relax and heal, take things slow and easy, go to meetings and get active with my exercise. The first three months after rehab were about healing, and getting to know myself when i get all Bipolar-y. i now know that if i exercise regularly i won't get too strung up. i know that when i feel a mixed state coming on that it will pass, and that writing or drawing definitely help my to release that flood of emotions. i don't have to stomp out of the house like a madman, jumprope in hand in an attempt to rid myself of all the excess energy; i can't do that here, i'm blessed to have found a better way. Music also heals...
The next three months were in a homeless shelter. i learned i could adapt to a strict schedule if need be, to live without the comforts of life. i learned that i can grind when i need to, bust my ass and save money to reach my goals. i learned to accept the situation i was in. i learned to accept bedbugs, their stench when burst of rotten berries, and the burning nights they sang to me. i learned to make do with little clothes, and a bin and lockerful of belongings. i learned to let go of books as a through them away, worried they might have bed bug eggs. i also learned not to wear flip flops when i ride a bicycle, usually... and to put everything away in its proper place. i learned what it is to sleep in a house after three months sharing a bunker with dozens of other men, to wrap myself in the softest blanket, and sleep without the sound of snores and farts and coughs. no more bed bugs killed and smelled. i learned that illiterate ex-cons can have a heart of gold; God bless you Old Man Dukes. i learned of charity. i was given a chance to practice patience.
The next three months I learned about my work ethic; i learned how to finally follow through on homework assignments, even the ones i don't really want to do. i learned how to study, how to focus, and how to take it easy on myself. i learned not to be perfect. i learned a lot about myself through my roommates, friends. They taught me so much. I'm learning to go with society's flow to make things easier for myself. i also learned that what i wear doesn't define me, and that looks do play a big role in how ppl treat and view me.
i'm learning consistency.
the next three months i'm going to begin to see what i'm capable of.