normal journal entry

Day one of my fast is complete. Two more to go. I'm not doing it to lose weight, or as a cleansing. This is an exercise in discipline. The hardest part will be at the end, when i'll be eager to overeat and use the fast as an excuse to. i was thinking of half a Publix sub to end it... but no, i'd end up eating the whole thing. i'm going to cook something healthy instead.

i've never had the body i've always wanted. i feel too embarrassed to go to the beach even though i'm healthy and have a strong capable body. i don't have a six pack, and that's why the beach is avoided. How crazy is that?? One of the reasons i'm embarrassed is bc i have an inverted chest. None of my girlfriends cared, they'd point it out like "Oh, look at that," not in a mean judging way at all, kind of like they'd point out a bird that stands out. That's the way God made me. i shouldn't be embarrassed. i'll feel better when I'm @ my goal, though, because what i want to stand out is that i'm healthy and i work hard.

i've never been closer to my goal, never been so healthy. it took a long time to learn that to seek perfection is ultimately demoralizing. it can't be attained. Every time i didn't perfectly adhere to a workout routine, or a diet, i would be incredibly hard on myself, i would think i wasn't disciplined and had no will power. it was a constant game of catching up to an perfect standard that will never be reached. Life is far more enjoyable when my goal isn't to lose weight, but to be healthy. i started off 9 months ago being OK with eating healthy most days out of the week. So 4 :) i learned to ease my way into eating healthy. 9 months later i don't even have to keep track. and if one day i eat all the cookies and chips.... that's so rare that it's nothing to stress about. Sometimes i'll eat sweets to feel better, or take off the edge when i'm jumpy restless and anxious. One of my goals is to write when i feel that way instead. It's healthier and far more productive. Food shouldn't be a crutch.

nom nom nom

For a while i didn't want a sponsor, i thought no one had what i wanted. But how will i know this if i don't get to know people? i wanted Eminem to be my sponsor, lol. Wouldn't that be a trip? What are the odds of that? if we lived nearby, went to the same meetings? He'd be getting asked all the time, i wonder if he goes to particularly secluded meetings. i'd hope not. i'm sure he'd get asked all the time by the teens 20 y/olds. i thought it was possible, if i did all the things i needed to with my recovery, worked hard on my writing, i would see him and have an opportunity to ask. He doesn't live too far away. i thought it was possible. i still believe it is, but i don't want it or think about it like before. i want his level of success and work ethic. i want to be remembered in literature like he is in music. i believe the more disciplined, focused, and devoted i become the more ppl i'll attract into my life with that same drive. i want the success most ppl only dream about. i want to change the world. I haven't told anyone my dreams, i don't think anyone will believe i'm capable of it. Here they are: i want to write a novel that is for people what Grapes of Wrath was for me, or The Fountainhead, Atlas Shrugged, Slaughterhouse Five. i want to sell t-shirts with inspiring happy funny quotes on them, simple but full of meaning. i want to be remembered as a poet who impacted the art in new ways, like Sylvia Plath, and be able to write as beautifully as Keats, full of feeling, sensual, passionate. i want to own a publishing company, and head a foundation that reaches out to children and young adults who haven't been given second chances, even though they deserve them. i want to help others to live their dreams, and give back to the world. i want to start a charity in Peru to help the indigenous ppl who live in third world poverty, and name it after my mom. i want to spend my free time hanging out with enlightened creative people who teach me new things and ways of thinking, hear about their creative process, their ideas and dreams, and to collaborate to make beautiful things happen. i want to help my niece achieve all her goals, and my cousin to overcome the challenges that will be waiting him as he grows older. i don't want him to ever feel as alone as i did growing up. i want them both to know that i'll always support them, even when i don't agree with what they're doing. i want to help them live the life THEY want to live, not their parent's or society's, but what they feel they were put on this Earth to do.

i feel a little sick in my stomach, been feeling it for the past half hour or so. i don't know what it is. i'm thinking about the turtle and sugar cookies on the counter. If i open my door i can see em from the bed. i'm thinking about the breakfast on Sunday. Pancakes eggs sausage bacon french toast. Pancakes w corn! and blueberries for Wilson. We'll do it every Sunday, we'll all sit at the table, maybe turn on the TV, maybe not, shoot the shit and chow down.

I slept from 4-8, i don't know if i'll be going to sleep any time soon. if not i'm going to work on a poem. it's my most 'advanced' one yet, i'm very excited to post in once i'm finished. There are a few things i plan on buying. i need a desk, and a chair. and i want an elevation mask for when i jumprope and run to work on my endurance and strengthen my lungs. A solid foundation and strong heart is a great way to start. Once my core, forearms and delts are up to par i'll start hitting the kettlebells harder. Jiu jitsu will happen once my knee is strong and i have a car. So will the sprints. A strong knee is a must have, if that thing blows out on me it's a least a couple of weeks before i can get back to physical health.

God, i'm hungry. My stomach is protesting in murmurs and gurgles. Only a day and twenty hours left. That's not bad. Headaches will be a bitch, i'll probably feel fatigue if i try and work out tomorrow. Good. It'll toughen my ass up.

i want to hit this vape. It's been charging for almost an hour and it's still not hitting. i wonder if that's normal. i bought Mother's Milk (i call it Milf's Milk bc that sounds way better) for the house. i don't have my own vape but have been using the guys'. i hate to mooch so i bought some juice. Rave reviews from the dudes, made me very happy that they liked it. i've also started developing the starts of a nicotine addiction. Been there and done that. i've decided not to hit the vape unless i'm writing, that's perfectly ok with me for the time being.

staring at spirulina and chlorophyll, new supplements to my stack.

it feels like the inside of my stomach is gnawing upwards. It's a hole that's trying to collapse everything around it into itself. i wonder what it'll be like a day from now.

i'm impatient to smoke. i keep looking at it. i did fine not hitting it today. But it tastes soooo good, like ripe strawberries rich with warm cream. The glass of water in front of me is far less appealing. Gotta stay away from that coffee, too... drank too much of it the last few days.

i'm outtie.