I think

of God letting my sister die, and I in anger striking out with blades on my skin, sharp and deep enough to scar and cut tendon. I dream for more. I think of love, and of my love making my spurned love's desire flee back to me in jealousy. I dream of a life lived recklessly uncontrolled, saying what i want when i want how i want and no sugar coat but sex on my lips. i dream of freedom. of unrestraint, of saying in the middle of a get together that i'm leaving, and no just getting up to go, and when asked why telling the truth, saying I don't feel like being here any longer. and to hell with their feelings. life is too short to put up with bullshit. so why. why hold back. fear, it cramps truth and real desire.

The girl i like cares so much about ettiqueet. God please help me let go of all these fucking shakes and shackles the things that bleed me gray, steal my color back from their ruby lips and show my show me show me please how can i  let go. I want to fly and be me. myself my mario my truth. i don't want to sound nice and high pitched. i don't want to be nice i want to be me. reckless and wreckless fick it. God that's my real question. How can I let go of ettiquette. I'll do it. I promise. I'm willing to do what's asked of me. I'll do it I swear. I'll bleed for it. I'm yours.


2pac is on. I ain't mad atcha.

So you'll never be mad at me? If i'm willing to hurt i'm willing to grow. gotta take my lumps.

The real me is sober. He speaks his mind and defends his opinions. He doesn't hide behind silence when challenged. He laughs unashamed, and lives swinging. ropes. 

Fuck Etiquet. It shades the truth and conforms to other's ppls expectations by the vary nature of its' existence. I want to be a man who speaks his mind. People will always find a way to get angry. fuck em. how can i let go.by taking risks and going forth afraid and courageous.

this is the song God played for me right now on Pandora:

"Falling Slowly"
(originally by The Frames)

I don't know you but I want you all the more for that
Words fall through me and always fool me and I can't react
And games that never amount to more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly eyes that know me and I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me and I'm painted black
You have suffered enough and warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had the choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along


Now break me
remake me
shape me polished sharp
steel skin sharp enough to cut night-
light like a knife_
bow and sparrow and pierced