"I Will See You Fresh, Anew" exercise in Healing #1

I was going through a hard time, and shared about it with my friend, who recommended me the exercise you'll find below. The exercise is this: Draw a picture of a part of yourself and give him a voice, let him speak to you and tell you how he feels. Ask him what you can do to help him, and come through for him. So here it is, an act of self love:

 
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"I don't speak. I feel like no one can see me. I always think I can do better, that all I've done isn't enough. I feel left behind. There are weights all over me. I'm not even sure why they're there, or if I even put theme there. I feel strong and weak. I like to dream I can fly, free of all these expectations. I want to run and not be timed, but I'm addicted to the stopwatch. I fight every day to stay awake. Maybe if I add another weight I'll be stronger. I feel so little. It's hard to breathe. I want strong lungs. I don't know when to take these off. I don't think I can. I'm tired, but I met someone who sleeps three hours a day. Maybe I should, too. That's 2-3 hours more awake each day to get more done. It's ok to feel tired, I rarely notice it though. My shirt burns with my sweat. I like to think I sweat and bleed fire. Sometimes I won't eat. It helps and hurts. I'd like to float and be able to close my eyes without sweating. I feel bad thinking about taking the chains off. I like them sometimes, because I like to be challenged. But this is more. Maybe I'm punishing myself. I don't think so, but it's hard to see behind this mask, it fogs the harder I breathe. I don't want to want them off. I want to run and have fun. I don't know where to go. I don't believe in rest. I want it and I also want it gone. Maybe just walking is enough. I don't believe it. It has to be hard. I have to earn whatever is next. My eyes sting. I want to sleep where it's cool. I want to earn your praise"

 

I give you waves of water and sleep and food to nourish your body. I free your weights and let you float care-free in my patience. I am your greatest rest, I will see you fresh, anew. I see your deeds, your loyalty. You stay true to me and so I plant for you gardens, abundant for all your needs. Have no fear when it feels like you're dropping it all. I let them fall so you may fly. Your gift, The Blanket of Waves.

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Resentment towards my friend

I'm resentful at my friend.

I'm angry bc she's always trying to be the 'spiritual leader know-it-all,' I'll mention something to share and she starts thinking of ways to solve my problem. We're friends, she's not my mentor. And I shared my opinion on someone I respect with her, and instead of listening or taking my opinion into account she went off on this mocking rant about how garbage and lame she thinks he is. She asks all these follow up questions to things people say, like 'maybe that happened bc of this, maybe you could look at it this way, maybe maybe maybe'; instead of listening to how what ppl say reflect how they feel she jumps to "I can solve your problem" or "I'm going to challenge your viewpoint in an aggressive way instead of learning about why you think/feel that way." I feel hesitant to share my opinions with her bc I don't want to deal with an aggressive devil's advocate. Sometimes people just want to share.

It affected my self esteem, because I can relate a lot to this person. He's accomplished a lot of things despite his errors, and I want to be successful like he is. He made a fool of himself, but he's still a great guy. Most people don't know or make the effort to know the real him, they believe the hype, which he plays into, I'll admit. It felt like a criticism towards me, I took it personally. It also affected my pride, because I had a "Who are you to tell me what to consider or how to think, or what I should do?" type of mindset. It also affected my self esteem because I've acted like she does in the past, and probably still do at times without realizing it, and I know it's annoying for other people and it's something I work on myself. I think I was also upset because she's very self-aware, and I felt jealous bc I felt special being self-aware myself, it gave me an ego boost. I also didn't like when she'd be so blatant about her troubles, the hardships she's been through. Those things are serious, and there's an appropriate time and place to bring those things up so that other people don't feel uncomfortable. I did this, too, though, not about similar hardships, but about my sexual past behaviors, I brought it up casually in a conversation where it really wasn't appropriate. I did this on here, recently, too. I made a mistake.

My role? I can't solve anyone's problems, and I shouldn't give my opinion unless asked for it, and I shouldn't be judgmental of other people's opinions, either. I'm not a Spiritual Guru who knows better than the rest. I was upset with myself for acting this way, and got angry at her for it. I asked her if she could listen to one artist for the rest of her life, who would it be. I didn't ask her bc I was interested in her opinion. I asked her bc I wanted to be the Unique Dude who says Kanye instead of the Beatles, Hendrix, Zeppelin, or other greats that may be expected. I wanted to show off how different I was. When she gave her opinion I wasn't curious at all about why she chose who she chose (not who I expected), and I didn't give her an honest chance at sharing with me her thoughts. I was upset she caught me off guard with her response. I just went and blurted out my opinion without acknowledging why she chose who she chose. I was selfish, and looking for attention, and hid under the mask of feigning interest in her opinion to sneak in my own arrogance and inflated sense of uniqueness. I was selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, inconsiderate, and frightened, too, because I shared and didn't get the reaction I expected. I think I also feel a little sexually insecure bc she's not attracted to me in the way I expected her to be, and that also contributed to my negative feelings. I should also keep the topics of conversation appropriate to the conversation being had, and be aware of how it might make other people feel. I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, I just want to share so maybe someone who needs to can relate.

I'm not resentful towards her now that I wrote this. I feel down, though. I feel foolish. I was expecting to feel elation. I'm about to head to a meeting. We'll see if anything else pops up.

Resentment

I told my roommate P I'm bipolar. We and two other roommates went to an NA meeting, and it was great. On the way back in the car P mentioned Sublime. I said Bradley was an addict, that he died on heroin. P said "because he's a maniac" like a scoff. I was angry. I wanted to react, and cut him down a little. OK, a lot. But that's not practicing recovery. I took a deep breath, and I felt the wind all over me. God gave me a hug, and I closed my eyes and felt peace. I let go of anger for a brief moment. I felt calm, and could breathe deep and soft. And I felt this pang that made me want to cry. I felt sad. P's my friend, at least I consider him to be, and he judged me with that remark, he put me down indirectly.

Where was I at fault?

A few days ago I ran my mouth about how people in power are easily corrupted, and implied strongly that politicians aren't in it to help us. That some may be at first, but eventually most fall under the sway of money and power. I spoke with tangible contempt.

P wants to be a high level politician.

Oops. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm going to say I'm sorry.